


Silence in Crimson

by KiwiDaMoose



Category: Merlin (TV)
Genre: Angst with a Happy Ending, Depression, Eating Disorders, How Do I Tag, I Wrote This Instead of Sleeping, I'm Bad At Tagging, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Merlin Needs a Hug (Merlin), Scars, Self-Harm, Suicide Attempt, Whump
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2020-09-03
Updated: 2020-09-09
Packaged: 2021-03-06 20:00:31
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 5
Words: 3,177
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26264614
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/KiwiDaMoose/pseuds/KiwiDaMoose
Summary: Over the years Merlin has been many things. A hero, a villain, a manservant, a mighty warlock, an apprentice, a bystander, and so many other people. He has served King Arthur for so many years and yet the years just get more numb. When Merlin turns to darker methods to keep his mind from slipping, how long can he last before the gig is up and his secret is revealed?
Relationships: Merlin/Arthur if you squint
Comments: 3
Kudos: 71





	1. Relief, Calm, and Peace

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm (descriptive)

_Relief._  


That’s the first thing he felt.  


_Calm._  


That’s the second thing he felt.  


_Peace._  


That’s the third thing he felt as he watched the blood aside over his wrist. It was the only thing that made sense anymore. The only thing that made he keep his sanity. Merlin knew that he was hardly the first to do such things. As a physician’s apprentice he was well aware of the psychological and physical effects his ermm… _actions_ had. He didn’t really care. It was the only thing that brought silence to his ever-wild mind.  


Of course, he was also well aware of what would happen if Gaius or even Arthur or Gwaine or the knights or well anybody really. There would be a long, uncomfortable conversation that Merlin _really_ did not want to have so he keeps it hidden. Or well, less obvious. Merlin knew he was getting careless, someone would soon notice a limp in his step had lasted too long, caused by the heavy bruises he had caused by pounding his thigh into a thousand colors. See the trembling in his legs or the paleness of his skin or the leak of blood that peaks out through his clothes.  


But for now, this is okay.

* * *

“Rise and shine!”  


Arthur groans as he hears the voice of his servant pulling back the curtains to let the sun bloody blind him. He wanted to turn back into his pillow but the prospects of today’s hunt and the delightful smell of fruits and sweet rolls enticing him out of bed.  


_How is that idiot always so damn cheerful?_  


“You know, you don’t have to blind me every morning. Maybe you can learn a few manners and perhaps even _warn_ me before you try to make me lose my sight.”  


“Ahh, but we wouldn’t want a prince who isn’t able to awaken at a moment's notice. We can’t have you get any slower than you are now?” Merlin said with a cheeky grin.  


“Make yourself useful and prepare the horses.”  


“Are we- “  


“Yes.”  


“Clotpole.”  


A goblet goes whizzing past Merlin’s head as he somehow manages to escape the room.


	2. Taverns and Warhammers

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Gwaine tells yet another hilarious tavern story, before yet another unfortunately, regular occurrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: small amount of violence  
> I swear, Gwaine has some really f8cking funny stories but imagine BEING there.

_Fizzlewit. Half cracked goblet. Dented nutcracker. Why does he have to always bring me along when he goes hunting. Nothing ever happens except for the death of innocent creatures and well that one time with the unicorn and that other time with the bandits and the other… Well maybe it’s a good idea to stick around._

“So I got one hand in a pie, my foot stuck in a bucket, my other foot in the floorboard when this dude tries to come at me with his fists you know, like a madman, trips over his own feet and she looks at me deadpan like this is a normal Tuesday and says ‘Well, somebody needs to pay for his tab.’” Arthur, Merlin, Lancelot, Percival, and Elyan roared in laughter at one of Gwaine’s tavern stories.  


“You know Merlin, you would think you would have more tavern stories seeing as you frequent them so much.” Arthur joked.  


“Nothing ever happens when I’m around, you’re the one who causes all the ruckus.” Merlin replied.  


“It’s not like Merlin ever goes often enough to be around the action” Gwaine butted in.  


“What do you mean he’s there at least half the week. It’s the reason why he’s so bloody late every morning.”  


“Nonsense. I’ve only ever seen Merlin at the tavern when he’s out with me like twice a month.”  


“Then where- “Arthur started to ask with some confusion when he suddenly cut off.  


_Something’s wrong._  


“I make my rounds AROUND the town. I like to go out on a walk and get some exercise in.” Merlin rebutted.  


_What is it? What is it? Something’s off._  


“Hey now, I am an experienced tavern adventurer and I haven’t seen or heard a whisper about you.” Gwaine said.  


_God, what is it? What is it? What is it? WHAT IS IT?_

“I- “Merlin started.  


“Quiet” Arthur murmured strongly, and the knights hushed at the words of their king.  


_Dammit clotpole! THINK! It’s too quiet. In fact, it is silent. There is no birdsong nor woodland rumbles.  
_

_We are being ambushed._  


“RUN!” Arthur shouted, kicking his horse into a gallop as several arrows start to whiz past him and the knights.  


Soon they were surrounded by bandits and the sound of swords clashing and arrows flying filled the once quiet air. Arthur parried one bandit to the left and dodged a blow before e tree branch suddenly fell from above. He hardly had a chance to ponder his luck before another battle ensued with yet another bandit.  
Lancelot looked cautiously towards Merlin as he gave a sharp blow to his opponent. His eyes were going every which way using his magic to ward off enemies. He had been knocked to ground-level. He faintly remembers Merlin’s horse crying out in pain due to a well-aimed arrow. He blocks another blow and advances on his attacker with the help of his fellow knights.  


Suddenly, a loud battle cry is bellowed, and Arthur quickly turns his attention to the noise. The leader, a large burly man, appears with a giant golden warhammer, clearly annoyed about how poorly his men were doing staring straight into Arthur’s eyes.  


“If my men can’t do it, then clearly, I will have to do this myself!” the bandit chief cried before charging straight at Arthur preparing his warhammer for a deadly, but powerful blow. Arthur quickly sidestepped the blow, just barely making it.  


_Damn, this guy’s fast._  


Arthur darts another blow, knowing any attempt in blocking will result in pain. He scans for see for any weakness. There are large gaps in which the man leaves himself exposed.  


_Maybe I can get a hit in NOW!_  


A well-planned strike gives the chief a large gash of his side. Enraged, the bandit leader swung his warhammer with all his might.  


_Crap. I’m too close._  


“ARTHUR!” a familiar voice screamed, and the world blurred.


	3. Bloodbath

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: detailed descriptions of blunt injury and broken ribs  
>  Sorry for the tardiness and how short this chapter is! I got carried away with work and schoolwork! Hope you enjoy!

_CRACK!_  


The sickening sound of breaking bones seemed to echo in the air, and Arthur watched as Merlin fell to the ground. The world blurred and the next thing he knew there was blood on his hands and a sword stuck through the belly of the _bastard who- oh god. MERLIN!_  


Arthur dropped down on his knees at Merlin’s side.  


“Are you daft? Why the hell did you do that?” Arthur joked but a crack in his voice betrayed his worry.  


“Why do you have to be such idiot?” the servant replied with a great effort.  


“Lancelot, help me lift him up and get him to Gaius.”  


As Lancelot and Arthur carefully lifts the poor man up, he heard a puff of air and Merlin grimaced, obviously trying to hide the fact he was in pain.  
Arthur swore and Lancelot looked at Merlin with concern.  


“Let’s go, and the knights rode off.”

* * *

Soon they were in the courtyard and rushed Merlin up to Gaius’s room.  


“GAIUS!” Arthur roared and Gaius looked up from his dreadfully boring book and his eyebrows frown in concern when his eyes found Merlin’s pale and prone form.  


“Bring him here,” Gaius commanded the knights as he cleared the bed and started to get to work.  


“What happened?” Gaius inquired.  


Percival started to speak but Merlin interrupted.  


“You know… I think…. It’s… sleepy nap time.”  


“Merlin stay with me,” Gaius said putting a cold towel on his forehead.  


“He suffered a blow from a warhammer. We were surrounded. There were so many. And the blasted leader decided to take matters into his own hands and Merlin suffered as a result,” Elyan said with a spite.  


“He’s too pale for a blow with such a blunt weapon. Arthur, here, help me with his shirt.”  


With the help of the knights, Gaius carefully cut the fabric of his shirt. A small gasp arose from the small bedside crowd that had amassed around Merlin. His right side was plastered with a mirage of black, yellow, and purple. He had grown so thin, that everyone could clearly make out which ribs had broken but it was hard to see where they went as there seemed to be hundred on bumps of bone instead of rib. But what really got everyone’s attention wasn’t the numerous scars that didn’t belong on a servant. The one that REALLY got everyone’s attention was the enormous burn that completely plastered his chest. Clearly, it was sustained years ago and must have been painful.  


_What the hell happened?_ Arthur bleakly wondered.  


“I need to work, git!” Gaius said, recovering his wits and starting to whisk the protesting knights from the room.  


“He won’t get any better unless you let me attend to with unbothered by the presence of others. Now, git!” Gaius said about to close to door when a hand forced it to stay open.  


“I’m not going. What can I do?” Arthur said with conviction. Gaius sighed, knowing he couldn’t convince the king to leave Merlin alone especially after what he has seen.  


“Alright, you can bring me fresh water. But be quick!” And with that, Arthur sped off.


	4. Awakening

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> All of Merlin's secrets become readable and Arthur has some trouble wrapping his huge head around it.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: blood, gore, and references of self-harm

With Arthur gone, Gaius turned back to his patient with a hefty sigh.  
  
_Oh, my boy, what have you gotten yourself into?_  
  
And with that Gaius set off to work creating such horrible smelling concussions, even a troll would turn their nose away from it. Arthur soon returned with the water and placed a now cool rag on his forehead with a concerned gaze in his eyes. Arthur looked at his friend’s chest, looking at it more in-depth. There was the large bruise on his right abdomen of course. It was an unholy mirage of black, yellow, and purple and looked terrible. The burn on his chest looked like well, it looked like a _blasted fireball_ had been burnt into him. There were small nicks here and there probably from rummaging around the bushes while collecting herbs for Gaius and cowering during small battles.  
Arthur winced as his eyes traveled up to Merlin’s shoulder were there was a nasty looking mace wound. Guilt-stricken, Arthur looked back at his friend’s chest and felt sick at how he could count everything single one of Merlin’s rubs. Arthur made a mental note to make sure Merlin ate with him.  
  
_Can’t have him passing out while mucking the stables again._ Arthur joked to himself.  
  
Soon enough, Gaius came over to his patient with a freshly made salve and started to carefully spread it across Merlin’s chest which aroused him from his sleepy state.  
  
“Ow! Quit that, I’m fine,” Merlin said quite not-confidently.  
  
“It’s just an ointment to relieve pain and inflammation my boy. We have to bandage that chest now though. Here, Arthur help me set him up and take off his shirt.”  
  
Merlin’s eyes shot wide open at that and started to try to pick himself up.  
  
“We don’t- I mean, we don’t have to- I can manage quite fine by myself, thanks.”  
  
“We need to get that chest bandaged Merlin. Your ribs are broken.”  
  
“You know, we don’t have to take my shirt off. I’m quite cold actually.”  
  
Arthur looked sternly into Merlin’s eyes “Now don’t make this difficult _Merlin_. Now sit up so we can help you, you idiot.”  
  
Merlin’s eyes darted around, trying to figure out a way to escape the situation, but finally came to the conclusion there was no getting out of it.  
  
“Fine, but can I at least take my shirt off on my own?”  
  
“I’m afraid not, you have a chance to perforate one of your lungs if you move around too much.”  
  
Merlin sighed, defeated, and Arthur gently helped Merlin sit up so Gaius could carefully remove his shirt.  
  
Arthur gasped in shock and nearly let go of Merlin “What the _fuck_ happened Merlin?”

* * *

  
Merlin grimaced and stayed quiet. Arthur’s eye raveled at the sparling mess of Merlin’s back. There were so many scars, he hardly knew where to begin. He thought Merlin’s chest was bad, but his back shone a different story. There were tens of whip marks laid out across his back. Some looked years ago and some looked at fresh as a few months ago. 

_Who fucking whipped my servant?_ Arthur thought furiously, blinking a few tears back. And then, that when Arthur sees it. 

“Is that a bloody SERKET STING?” Arthur nearly shouted.

“Oh, so uh funny story, I was- “Merlin started, trying to hop around the truth.

“Well, it is? Yes or no?” Arthur interrupted. 

Merlin opened his mouth and quickly shut it.

“Yes,” Merlin said quietly

“You can’t bloody survive that Merlin! How did you survive? When was this? Why didn’t you tell me?”

“I guess I just got lucky,” Merlin quietly answered, but Arthur’s mind was rapid firing, trying to connect and fit it all together. Gaius took this moment to swoop in and start to bandage his wounds while Merlin carefully laid his arms in very nonsuspicious way. Or well, he thought.

Arthur suddenly grabbed Merlin’s left arm and Merlin couldn’t help but cry out in pain and surprise.

“You’re bleeding, why didn’t you- “

Arthur nearly vomited. Across his arm were what to see like hundreds of tiny scars, most were fresh and bleeding. There were far too many to just be small nicks from training, but the thing that really got Arthur was the word “MONSTER” crudely cut into his arm, scabbed, but bleeding. Merlin’s wrists were chaffed and had clearly been in manacles multiple times. Arthur’s mind stalled and couldn’t stand to look at it and quickly grabbed Merlin’s scarf to just to get rid of the horrible sight that laid out in front of him. Just anything to get rid of the sight. Merlin pulled his arm back instinctively and Arthur saw the panicked look in Merlin’s eyes as if he were trapped prey animal, caught in a corner with nowhere to escape. 

And finally, everything came together when he saw the angry line on Merlin’s throat and the how dead Merlin’s eye became once he realized that Arthur now _knows_.


	5. Mistakes

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Merlin debates what his life is worth and Arthur has a wake-up call

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: For suicidal idealization and planning

Arthur stood up abruptly and Gaius looked at Merlin with tears swelling in his eyes. Arthur carefully walked out the door and announced he was going on a walk. Gaius looked on at his son, feeling such terrible things while Merlin just stared at nothing with a dead look in his eyes.  


“Oh, my boy” Gaius croaked and tried to busy his mind away while on his s- patient, but his mind kept wondering back to Merlin. Guilt and desperation started to set in, and Gaius offered Merlin a bread roll who started to chew on it absentmindedly. Gaius had many questions but knew that this was not the time. Arthur did not return that night.  


* * *

To be honest, Merlin didn’t care that Arthur knew. At first it was panic, but then apathy set in. It was just another secret that had come out to rear its ugly head. And why should he care? There was nothing he could do now. Why bother? _Maybe I should just fall down the stairs and see what happens. Or trip over a ledge and fall off a turret. It’ll be fine. It’s just Merlin._ The world would continue revolving, Arthur would still be king, and Gaius would move on. Merlin knew his life was meaningless in the grand scheme of things, but he kept searching for a meaning, a purpose. All his life, he was told a monster, and he so desperately wanted to believe he was something more than that but there was no avoiding the truth. He was a monster. He made so many mistakes and so many people got hurt, got _killed_. The very people who trusted him, ended their lives for his foolishness.  


Merlin laid across the bed, staring at nothing in particular, accompanied by the sharp pains in his abdomen and the dangerous thoughts swirling around his head. His eyes wandered towards where the knives were held and indulged in thoughts about slicing his wrists and finally ending his _pain_ , his _suffering_. But he could not find the energy within him to get up so instead he reprimanded himself for being so selfish and reminded himself that he didn’t deserve the peace of nonexistence anyways.  


* * *

Arthur closed the doors to his chambers, and slouched against them, his mind reeling. _What did it all mean? Why? What can I? Am I too harsh? Who is to blame? Oh goodness, Merlin, I’m so sorry._  
“Arthur? What’s wrong?” Gwen’s sweet voice drifted over, fraught with worry.  
“It’s Merlin. He’s hurt real bad. He has this great big o’ bruise from the hammer and he-. Gwen, he has so many scars. So many. He’s been tortured. He’s hurting himself and I don’t know what to do.”  
And with that, Arthur started sobbing into Genevieve, not carrying about his pride or his ego, only Merlin.  


* * *

“Rise and shine! Wake up and smell the daises!” Merlin chirped, carefully pulling back the curtains.  


_How can that idiot-_  


Arthur shot up and looked at Merlin. Just as usual, Merlin had set up the table for him. Arthur scrutinized Merlin, noticing how he carefully handled his form and how his shirt was delicately shaped to hide the injuries he had sustained. He had clearly mastered the art of subtly and Arthur wondered how he had never noticed this before.  
“Just what do you think you’re doing?”  


“Cleaning up your mess of course.” Merlin replied with a cheeky grin. Arthur got up and walked over to the table. He looked upon his breakfast and noticed that the spoon was in the correct position. The knife is always next to the plate on the right-hand side with the spoon to the right of the knife. Merlin always switched the spoon and the knife so that it was the spoon next to the plate instead of knife, and only ever did it right when he wasn’t well. Arthur might be oblivious, but wasn’t always so daft when it comes to Merlin.  


“Where’s Gwen?”  


“Oh, she went to do some shopping in the lower district to see how the people are doing”  


“Hm, sit.”  


Merlin’s brow raised and Arthur raised his in response. Merlin wisely sat at the table and Arthur sat at the other end.  


_Fuck_ they both thought simultaneously and sat quietly, waiting for the other to speak.  


“Why, I’ve been so rude. I’m sitting here with all this food, being a prat as you so eloquently put it; You should have some, here have some fruit.” Arthur tried to joke but the words felt forced and came out bland.  


To his surprise, Merlin reached out and took a strawberry from out of the pile with a strange look in his eyes and took a small bite.  


“Well there is no way to say this in a nice sort of fashion. First, how did you get those scars? Second, why the hell are you here and instead of your bed?”


End file.
